Compatibility in Stepping Relations

There are no set rules on how much you should get involved with a readymade family. Much will depend on if they live with you, if you have children of your own, if the natural parent is still around. Here are some tips to make step-parenting as painless as possible.

* Step slowly and sensitively. Work out property arrangements even before you tie the knot.

* Keep your expectations low. Don't feel guilty and inadequate if you can't love them as your own. This may be impossible. Unlike biological children, whose love is intrinsic, your new step-children might not even like you at first. And the feeling could be mutual.

* Choose a name that you will be called by - you are only human - which should not be exactly the same as the biological parent.

* Make some room. Whether they've moved in with you, you've moved in with them, or you're in a new house, it's important for each family member to have his or her own territory. All of the family members need to feel like it's their house, too, and that they have a place to go where they can have privacy.

* Do not expect to take over the management of the house and lay down the law when you move into your new spouse's house. A steppie who bulldozes in and rebuilds family structures and values is only asking for trouble with the family, in-laws and staff. Rules and expectations on the larger issues such as discipline, deadlines, pocket money, bedtime must be discussed and negotiated.

* Your goal shouldn't be to become a second father or mother, but to develop a respectful relationship, make it clear that you are not trying to replace the real parents. You are just on extra adult who cares. In general, the younger the children, the more opportunity you'll have to become close.

* Don't take negative feelings too seriously - they may be rebelling against a new person, not specifically you. Keep being civil and friendly. Make sure your spouse supports your efforts to keep the peace. Let some things slide. Especially at first, expect the kids to say mean things - often under their breath as you're walking away - to test you. Phrases such as "You're not my father" and "I hate you" are common Act like a seasoned umpire by ignoring the lesser infractions and not taking them personally. They're just the kids' way of acting out their anger and fear over the situation.

* Be interesting and interested. You can introduce your stepkids to all your cool hobbies - baking, badminton, bowling - but you must be willing to delve into their world, too. Bonds develop as a result of shared experience. Help with every day care. Give baths, feed, supervise home work. Carve out one-or-one time doing the things that they enjoy. Initiate games, chat, swap experiences. Concentrate hard on lovable qualities. * Back up your spouse in discipline, which is needed sooner or later. You need to present a united front. Fight the urge to take over as chief disciplinarian and rule maker. The kids won't accept it, and you'll harm your relationship trying. It takes 1 to 2 years before stepchildren will accept you in a parental role. The best way to handle discipline is to establish house rules and punishments that both parents state clearly and enforce equally. If you disagree with the why, how or what of discipline, discuss it behind closed doors.

* Never be tempted to side with a step child against your spouse. The youngster may feel trimphant, but your spouse's authority may be undermined, and s/he may not be pleased with your intervention. Behavioural problems can be addressed better by talking

things over with the child. Provide a listening ear but don't encourage bad mouthing your spouse.

* Don't neglect intimacy which is even more important now. If you don't keep your relationship strong, then issues with the stepchildren are more likely to come between you. Carve out adult time, so you can have an evening out once a week, or simply agree that you'll have a snack together every night after the kids are asleep. Avoid overt kootchie-kootchie however. Kids watching can find it embarrassing and gross.

* Your step children come from a different world with different values. If you try to remake them into your mould, you are heading for disaster. Don't poke or pry about the absent parent. Or criticize, no matter what, which will make the child feel defensive and disloyal.

* Children in a divided home need to believe in both their parents and trying to choose will damage your relationship in the long run. Seek common ground, respect the kids' differences, and insist they treat each other with respect. If there are two sets of children, try not to deprive or overdo bounty with any of them.

* If the step children do not live with you, make their living arrangements as relaxed as possible so that they always feel welcome. Do not throw away mementos of the absent parent in the child' s room specially if he or she is dead, or trample their traditions.

* Have your own kid. Research reveals that having a baby with your new spousecan I bring the family, including the stepchildren, closer together, introducing a new evel of commitment into the relationship. But beware: It all falls apart if a stepparent treats his/her biological child differently from the stepchildren.

* Seek professional help if you are unhappy with the situation.