Sex has always been a word used with utmostcaution. Most adults keep their sex lives very private and rarely does one see an open demonstration of affection between married adults. Yet, sex sells. It makes the young curious and often has them confused. With mixed signals from the environment, from peers, from media and home, children often develop strange ideas about sex - mostly black or white; either it’s dirty or taboo or it's wicked and sleazy, the forbidden fruit.


Peterson’s father would talk of how all the men in his family had always had women for the asking. He would be vulgar in his humor, and talk explicitly to his nine-year-old son Patrick about the female anatomy. "Is she your girlfriend?" was a question he asked Patrick about almost every girl in his class. One day, the impressionable Patrick touched a girl in his class inappropriately, thinking it was okay to do so. He was pulled up by the school authorities. The mixed signals were a shock for Patrick - what his father encouraged, his teachers disgraced him for. Patrick developed an anxiety disorder as a result of this inner conflict, and suffered from feelings of inadequacy for years. He also compulsively engaged in promiscuity to live out the script dictated by his father that the Peterson men were proud of the record of their sexual exploits.

Jenna’s parents had never taken care to see whether their daughter was asleep or awake in the same bedroom before engaging in sexual talk or sexual touching. Her mother had even walked out nude from the bathroom on a couple of occasions with six-year-old Jenna watching her father fondling her voluptuous mother, commenting on her breasts. She felt confused and concerned about the goings-on, as her mother sounded as if she was in pain, but also giggled intermittently. This led to a complex mindset in Jenna as she reached adolescence. She naturally had small breasts at her age and felt inferior about the same, as she constantly compared her body to her mother's nude body, and found herself inadequate. Also, the vivid audio-visual impact of the sexual interaction between her parents, left her feeling confused about the pleasure element in sex, and she found it difficult to let go completely with her sexual partner and therefore could not reach an orgasm.


With both Patrick and Jenna, being a witness to adult sexual behavior, adversely impacted their adolescent and adult lives, influencing both their attitudes and behaviors. This effect can be equaled to the adverse impact of pornography on young and impressionable minds. It leaves them confused as they are unable to process what they see and hear, resulting in warped perceptions, lopsided values, unhealthy beliefs, detrimental attitudes and dysfunctional behaviors. When adults display sexual behavior in front of young minds, they are, in fact, engaging in sexual abuse with the child. This subtle sexual abuse of the child's mind is not classically viewed as such, but the damage is as grave as if the child had been physically sexually abused. The effects are devastating and with long-lasting consequences. Viewing adult sexual behavior can create arousal in young children even before they are existentially ready to understand and healthily process such feelings. It tampers with nature's timing, and interferes greatly with the natural growing up process of the child. While it may not interfere with a young adult's growing-up process, the stimulus can still result in an unmanageable level of arousal. It may lead to early sexual experimentation, which has its own set of problems such as teen pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases as well as leaving the young inexperienced teenager psychologically destabilized. Avoid the use of verbal sexual innuendos, sexual jokes, and descriptions of sexual behavior in front of children and young adults. Also, restrict to the bedroom or a more private place, away from the gaze of the child, any form of touching with sexual overtones.


Sixteen-year-old Shaun elder sister was engaged to be married, and the young couple would often kiss and neck each other, and intimately touch each other in front of him. Shaun would get aroused, and was not satisfied with self-pleasuring as he would view his sister and brother-in-law openly sexual with each other. He started craving the touch of a woman. Once, when he was alone at home for the weekend, he arranged for a call girl to come home and had unprotected sex. She was HIV +, as he realized a year later, when he developed immunity problems. He developed full blown AIDS a few years later, and died when he was in his 20s. On the other hand, if children observe two adults of the opposite gender, whether it's their parents or otherwise, expressing warm and caring feelings of appreciation, gratitude, admiration, encouragement and other kind and comforting words, they learn to model such emotional intimacy.

It is also equally beneficial for the child to witness apologies being asked, and forgiveness being granted, as it models humility and love in the relationship. Moreover, non-sexual touching such as holding hands, a head on the shoulder of the partner, an arm around the shoulder, and a light and affectionate hug, are not only harmless but help in being a role model for a healthy and emotionally intimate man-woman relationship. When children see their parents affectionate in such a way, it creates in them a feeling of security knowing that all is well between the parents.


1. Present a united front. Children are quick to detect strife and can play one parent against the other.

2. Watch your step. Be careful about what you say and how you react to situations. Children have inbuilt antennae programmed to absorb codes of conduct.

3. Never argue in front of children. Try to sort out differences behind closed doors.

4. Love your children abundantly. Unconditional love makes children feel secure, raises their self-esteem and makes them well-balanced human beings.

5. Be positive in the way you discipline. Carry out the punishment, if any for breaking discipline. Only then will your send the right message to your child. Always punish in private and never humiliate your child.

6. Be consistent. If you respond to a situation in a certain way on one occasion and react in a contradictory way on another, you will tend to confuse your child.

7. Be clear. If you yourself are not sure about household rules or values, trying to implement them will be a farce.

8. Be specific and reasonable. When you instruct, say things to the point. Don't beat about the bush and be reasonable about why you want certain things done or why something is the way it is.

9. Do not be rigid. It's one thing to be clear and another to sit on your parental high horse and be rigid. Good parents know when to be reasonably flexible. Doing so is not a weakness.

10. Express your love and tenderness for each other openly. When parents take delight in each other's company, children too absorb the warm feelings and learn to be compassionate and giving.

11. Listen to each other patiently. There's so much that needs to be expressed, to be understood and that clears misunderstandings while paving the way for greater understanding between parents and children.


Seven-year-old Nancy would force her parents to sit side by side and hold hands after they had an argument which she had witnessed. After a few times, the parents realized that their arguments were making Nancy insecure about the well being of the family unit, and that she needed to feel secure, which is why she forced them to be together? Parents need to know that if they express their differences in front of children, which come across as arguments, then they must make up and make peace through words and acts of non-sexual affection, in front of the children. This conveys that all is well.

Twelve-year-old Robert was anxious about the state of the relationship between his parents. He would often hear, in the midst of loud sounds, his mother refer to 'that woman', and his father shout, "I'm fed up of your nagging". He always watched from the corner of his eye, how far or close to each other his parents sat and whether his Dad was sleeping in the bedroom or on the sofa. He would breathe a sigh of relief when they held hands. In fact, on a vacation, he decided to be the family photographer, and asked his parents to pose for the camera, instructing them on various affectionate postures. He insisted that his father place his arm around his mother's shoulders and that they sit close and looks at each other and smile. Obviously, knowing that all was well with his parents made him feel secure. There is a clear demarcation between sexual and non-sexual yet affectionate behavior. The first, if viewed, can prove harmful, while the other is helpful. Adults should be alert and aware of the effects of both and make responsible choices while interacting with each other in front of children.

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