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Knowing Your Teenage
Visualize you are trying to navigate your way through the city. At every turn there is construction work that impedes your progress. Most of the familiar routes have been blocked off and there is no proper signposting. The wide network of roads, junctions, crossroads, highways and flyovers are not managed well. This is causing traffic jams, accidents and a general grid lock. How would you feel? Confused, irritable, defiant, and grumpy?
If roads were neurons and interconnections synapses, then a chaotic city is not very different from an adolescent’s brain. New research indicates that the brain undergoes some fundamental restructuring during adolescence. It starts ‘pruning’ or clearing away half the neural connections that we make in early childhood. They vanish away like baby fat! This has come as a bit of a shock as it was believed that the brain was fully formed by puberty. The same brain that might have functioned quite seamlessly until the age of 11 or 12 suddenly becomes a chaotic ‘work in progress’ unit!
There is significant pruning of the frontal lobe, which is responsible for clear thinking, executive functions, high-level reasoning and decision-making. This explains a lot of impulsive, irrational thinking at this age.
Don’t blame the tantrums on raging hormones
Before you hit the panic button I must clarify that this stage is an essential part of neuron-development. It might lead to a lot of typical, turbulent adolescent behavior but it is required before the brain shapes up into a sophisticated, efficient hub of rich yet streamlined processing paths. It is only when the person is 20 or 21 that the brain matures into the finely-tuned neural circuitry.
All of this is fine, you might think. But what do we do about it as parents? This is what:Respect the brain
They might not be able to manage some of their emotions and behaviors but with your understanding of their ‘pruning brain’ you might be able to move away from the victim role.
Relate as a mentor
In the early years, children need their parents more as teachers to help them explore and learn about the world. However, by adolescence the parents need to become mentors. Many of them wish they had parents who were more understanding and listened to them non-judgmentally.
Imagine a very powerful car with an unskilled driver. That’s what your teenager is. Claim back the power, spell out the boundaries and be consistent. There are enough confused parents of teenagers who are walking on egg shelves, not sure of where to draw the line. Sit down and discuss the limits with your teenager. Give them choices, negotiate and if they do not follow through, go ahead and give reasonable consequences.